Ok, I admit it

Ok, fine I'll admit it, I'm in a realtionship, a pretty good one too. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you all are saying 'I told you so' all I have to say about that is HMMMPHHHH. This is totally different than anything I've experienced, which is way awesome. I can totally be me, weird me, crazy me, make no sense about anything me and we all know I can be a difficult person at times, but even that doesn't seem to be a problem, weird huh? My biggest worry right now, isn't where is this going or anything like that it's how in the hell do I keep from screwing this up. But things are good, the hardest part is him living in Columbus and me living in BFE Jackson, more than an hour away, but if that's our biggest problem, I say things are okie dokie (yes, I said okie dokie, deal with it). He even goes to the craft store with me now if that's not love I don't know what is :)

On a weird note, I never believed that old saying that girls turned into their mothers as they get older but OMG it's true. Remember how she was always singing or humming weird songs and making up songs all the time? I have caught myself doing that for the last few weeks, and at work this week a volunteer started laughing at me when I started singing the campbell's soup song at my desk, just out of the blue, no reason at all. God help me!

Makin' Pickles

Jars in the canner processing

The first batch

What would you do? (revised)

What would you do if you won the lottery? The lotto commercial came on while I was driving home today, driving my 45 minute plus drive, after the very long week of dealing with people who abuse the system, who lie and who seem to get away with; all at the same time of dealing with people who desperately need help but can't get any (for anyone out there thinking of a career change, let me suggest anything but social service type work), sooo back to the story, the commercial comes on and I start to think, what would I do if I won the lottery. Here's my list:

• Buy a house, not a big house, not a mansion, but a decent good house, with land, oh and trees and maybe a creek with a view of the mountains, well if I'm dreaming, a barn with pastures and a pond and some ducks, yes! I want some ducks with my house!!
• Buy my father and brother a house, just far enough away that I can check on dad but not close enough to have to take care of him. Hmm, I'd probably pay for my brother and his financees' school, that would be a very nice wedding present.
• Put the majority of the money in investments and live off the interest and quit the job! Oh yes, the job would go bye bye. If I get bored being at home all day (wow can't imagine that happening) I would like to open a bookstore in a little town.
• Everyone says they would donate to charities, and while I am a firm believer in supporting your local charity, I think I would set aside a chunk of money designated for charities and then support them when they really needed something important, like a jump start on a building campaign or like the poor people today who really needed help but couldn't find any.
• I'd invest in a little car shop that my ex has been fantasizing about for years now. Invest mind you! I want to see a profit :)
• Apparently in my original post I left off a very important person, I can't believe where my mind was to have left him off, but he is soooo special and dear to me that he gets to pick three things when I win, anything 3 things, I might even dress up like the genie and grant his wishes for him, hehehehe.

I'd do that and probably a million more things, maybe I'll win the 40 mil this week, oh wait that's right I'm too cheap to buy a ticket, darn....

Oh and it's up to 49 mil now, very very tempting..................

The Rescue

Here's a few pics of the little one I rescued last week. I was leaving for work and on the exit to Athens when I saw her in the middle of the 4 lanes. I figured someone had hit her and when I drove by she moved! So soft hearted me pulled over, I stood by the side of the road while what seemed like a million cars and trucks zoomed over and by her, I kept hoping no one would hit her while I was standing there. Finally I go out scoop her up, her eyes were the size of saucers but she was alive and didn't have any obvious injuries. I put her in the backseat of the car and went to work. At the office she had perked up and was moving around some, her only injuries were a scrap on the chin and a swollen eye. She spent the night with me and then went to her new home the next day. A lady at my office took her in and says she is a ball of energy and doing just fine.

Making Pesto

Making fresh pesto with basil from my garden

First Harvest

The first veggies from my garden.

Cherry tomatoes and chives

Summer squash, thyme, and basil.

Piano

I pulled out my keyboard tonight, I had given my piano away several months ago, it had been in storage for years and I didn't have the means to move it or the place to put it. It broke my heart to give it away and I miss it so much, but for now the keyboard is good enough. It's not a full size piano keyboard, but has 4 octaves, so at least I can actually play the majority of my songs on it. So tonight I finally pulled it out, OMG I can't believe I forgot what a release playing is for me. I'm pretty rusty and need alot of practice, but really not too bad considering.

I started playing when I was 8, so wow, that's 20 years of playing piano. When I was younger I would come home from school and play for an hour or so, practice my lessons and then just play a variety of things. I would play faster and faster, totally immensed in the keys and just loose myself. If I messed up on a song or got frustrated I would play pop goes the weasel, it's like my way of erasing and clearing the board. Nothing like hearing someone go from Beethoven to pop goes the weasel in a matter of seconds. I played at church for several years, now all I really enjoy to play is the old time humns.

My mom always said she loved to hear me play, must have been true now that I think of the amount of money and time they put into my lessons. By the time I was in high school the 1/2 hour piano lessons every week weren't enough for me, so I added another lesson, finally around my junior year, there wasn't any reason for me to keep going. During college I didn't play as much, when I moved out I didn't have my piano for several years, I bought the keyboard, but it never was the same. Eventually I was able to bring the piano to my house, but that only lasted for a few months until it had to go to storage. I wish I had the space for a piano here, but I don't.

Some day, some day soon...........

The Itch

Ever had that itch, the itch that you really needed to do something and to it really soon. Well not really an itch, more like an impatient voice in the back of your head. I've head mine for over a year now and it's getting worse. Some days it's small and quiet and easy to dismiss, today it started shouting. Ok ok I know this might sound a little like a psycho person, trust me I am in complete control of my facilities (well as much as I ever was). I need to think....................

Garden 7/6

...then laugh, leaning back in my arms, for life is not a paragraph, and death I think is no parenthesis.
-e.e. cummings

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
-Dag Hammarskjold

My feeling is that there is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others, and comforting those who are sad.
-Olive Schreiner

It's such a straightforward sort of colour.
I never squint at a black tee shirt, wondering if it goes with my black jeans.
I never have to get up in the morning, thinking "I wonder what colour I'll wear today."
And black goes with anything.
As long as the anything is black.
- Neil Gaiman

The agony in my fears mirrors the blood of my bitter solitude.
-Lemuel W. H. Ranier

It was then, staring into the fear, that my tortured existence was truly born.
-Anonymous

How do I say goodbye to what we had, the good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad, I thought we'd get to see forever, but forevers gone away - it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
-Anonymous

Garden Progress

Here's an update on the garden. Don't mind the weeds please, I haven't worked in it for a few days. Below is the lone squash plant, I'm hoping one plant doesn't overwhelm me with squash.

Three of the tomato plants. See the little baby tomatoes! The fencing is to keep out bunnies and naughty next door neighbor children :)

Parsley plants

The basil plants, they really took off this week after the rain.

The sunflowers all died, naughty children next door kept pulling them out of the pot. The thyme is still growing, the chives are about half dead, and the cucumber plant is still alive if I can just get it into the ground! Never got the spinach and onions seeds planted, probably too hot now.

My new toy

Scottie

My cutie

The Parable of Twins

I got this in my email one day, I don't know the author, but I find it heartwarming and soothing. It has a deeper meaning if you listen.

The Parable of Twins

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, "Isn't it great that we were conceived" Isn't it great to be alive?"

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life, they sang for joy! "How great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us!"

As weeks stretched into months, the twins noticed how much each was changing, "What does it mean?" asked one.

"It means our stay in this world is drawing to an end." said the other

"But I don't want to go," said one. "I want to stay here always."

"We have no choice," said the other. "But maybe there is life after birth."

"But how can there be?" responded one. "We will shed our life cord and how is life possible without it? Besides we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them has returned to tell us there is life after birth. No, this is the end. Maybe there is no mother at all."

"But there has to be," protrested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"

"Have you ever seen our mother?" said one. "Maybe she only lives in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."

The other replied "well if you are very quiet, you might hear her sing and feel how she carassess our little world."

Romantic quotes

Ok don't ask what got into me.............

"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."- Jean Anouilh

"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one."- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

"Love is the life of the soul. It is the harmony of the universe."- William Ellery Channing

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."- Unknown

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride whorthwhile."- Franklin P. Jones

"Where there is love there is life."- Gandhi

I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. - The Song of Solomon

I have nothing more to give you than my heart. - Spanish saying

Here is my heart, guard it well. - French saying

"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes"
-Lord Byron

Darkness

It's always there, right on the edge, just waiting for the perfect time. It waits til I think things are going ok, til I think that once again I have it under control and it rears it's ugly little head. Tonight out of the blue, reading a book, it came, this time it tried a new method, instead of someone saying something or me seeing something to bring on the darkness, it just came, hit me like a brick, was an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Oh well, not like I haven't been down this road before, luckily anymore the road is short and I know the path, not like it was years ago. Years ago........... I don't even have the words to say what transpired in those years, just know to the one who was there that if you are reading this, I am truly sorry. Wow the years have flown by, much has changed and sadly much has stayed the same. I feel trapped, I feel trapped by decisions I made and by decisions that were thrust upon me. Maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe I am alone in this feeling too. I think I'm more angry about the decisions I made, God help me I tried to make the right decisions, they seemed to be right at the time, but now, now all I see is an empty future, I see no reason why anyone would want to be with me, I see no hope for things changing. The future I long for scares me, the future I hope for is so distant it seems like a dream. Maybe all this is a dream, maybe what's beyond this life is reality......maybe. But for now I will go to bed, cry myself to sleep yet again, I will be thankful for what I do have which is so much more than so many, I will wake up tomorrow and try again and I will be ashamed for putting down these thoughts for letting this part of me out for even this short amount of time, but I know it's needed. So off to bed I go with my dogs and my cat, knowing that it will be ok and the darkness will fade.

View

This was my view on my drive home Friday after work.

How lucky am I?

Herbs so far

It's still not much, but here's the pics of my herbs so far. Everything but the thyme was started from seeds in the kitchen.

The chives and two little parsley plants struggling along.

The Basil and Parsley. They are actually doing really well, especially the parsley. With as many basil plants as I have everyone will be getting pesto gifts in August :)

Thyme (store bought) sunflowers and a few more parsley plants. The sunflowers for some reason aren't doing well. If they were a little more sturdy I'd put them in the ground. It probably didn't help that the cat thought playing in the pot was fun and that sunflowers were his personal salad bar.