Saturday, June 03, 2006
It's always there, right on the edge, just waiting for the perfect time. It waits til I think things are going ok, til I think that once again I have it under control and it rears it's ugly little head. Tonight out of the blue, reading a book, it came, this time it tried a new method, instead of someone saying something or me seeing something to bring on the darkness, it just came, hit me like a brick, was an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Oh well, not like I haven't been down this road before, luckily anymore the road is short and I know the path, not like it was years ago. Years ago........... I don't even have the words to say what transpired in those years, just know to the one who was there that if you are reading this, I am truly sorry. Wow the years have flown by, much has changed and sadly much has stayed the same. I feel trapped, I feel trapped by decisions I made and by decisions that were thrust upon me. Maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe I am alone in this feeling too. I think I'm more angry about the decisions I made, God help me I tried to make the right decisions, they seemed to be right at the time, but now, now all I see is an empty future, I see no reason why anyone would want to be with me, I see no hope for things changing. The future I long for scares me, the future I hope for is so distant it seems like a dream. Maybe all this is a dream, maybe what's beyond this life is reality......maybe. But for now I will go to bed, cry myself to sleep yet again, I will be thankful for what I do have which is so much more than so many, I will wake up tomorrow and try again and I will be ashamed for putting down these thoughts for letting this part of me out for even this short amount of time, but I know it's needed. So off to bed I go with my dogs and my cat, knowing that it will be ok and the darkness will fade.